I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
