I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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