I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
