Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
