Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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