my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
