Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
