i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
