All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
