If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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