I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
