Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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