I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
