You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
