Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
