all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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