i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
