she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
where are my eyebrows?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize