is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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