I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
