carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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