My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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