guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
