The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
