I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
