I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
accomplished twins. life is a go
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize