Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
