I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
