dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
