broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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