if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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