I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
