i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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