Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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