wanna go halves on a baby?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
