So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize