I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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