i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
