My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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