So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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