he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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