Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
