Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
