Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
