I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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