I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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