i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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