the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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