best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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