mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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