i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
