i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
