Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
3 2 1 whiskey
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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