Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she woke up with a sticky ear
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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