Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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