Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
